Personal Happiness?
Well I'm not sure how this blog is going to turn out, I'm finally just going to hand my writing to God and see what he does with it, so bare with me here.
Before the last few weeks I hadn't felt personal happiness in a long time. I had gone through a long series of tragedies. It first started when my grandfather died. I didn't want to continue what I started with the army. With music and such else. I felt like I couldn't go on. And I had just began a strong relationship with God at the time so, I thought this was his way of saying he didn't even want me to begin a relationship with him. It hurt alot. But not long after that a woman at my corps talked me into going to prep band and keeping up with what I had started. I ended up going to Jr. Conservatory where I learned so much. And alot of people learned alot about me. It was there where I finally came to like a truce with God and reconciled. It wasn't til about a year later when I went to Mid-winter Musicamp when I really devoted my life to Christ. I remember just kneeling on the ground and God saying to me that it was time to come to Him.
For awhile I thought I had real happiness, I thought I had found the boy I was going to marry. I filled my life with alot of drama, and was worried about what was going on with everyone else and once again lost God's guidance in my life. Fortunately I never made any real bad decisions. But other than that life seemed pretty good. Then two years ago when I was first asked to go to TMI I didn't know what a life changing experience it would bring. My first year at Territorial Music Institute was pretty amazing. I learned what it meant to really depend on God alone. There were times where I felt so alone and did nothing but cry and cry. Eventually it got alot better and my relationship with God was renewed and stronger than ever. The trip turned out to be one of the best I've ever had. On the way home in the Cincinnati airport I was informed I was accepted to the Pendel Brass. A band I've wanted to be in since I was a little girl. It was definitely a dream come true. I thought I had really found true happiness.
About six or seven months after all that a devastating event took place in my life. My Dad had suddenly died of a heart attack. To be truthful I hadn't talked to my Dad in almost five months because of everything that had been going on. The guilt I felt after he died was unbearable. I didn't know what to do. I knew I couldn't blame anyone else for this except myself. But I still tried blaming God. I became very angry with him, in fact I hated him. I made very stupid decisions that I will regret for a long time. But even after I had reconciled with God I still felt the heaviest load of guilt anyone will ever feel. I had tried countless times to give the guilt to God and move on. But it never seemed to work.
Summer had rolled along and I believed I had dropped all the guilt, when in fact I had just hid it in my heart. Conservatory started and it was the first sunday there when our leaders gave us a paper and told us to write down what we thought was keeping us from having the perfect relationship with God. I then realized how much guilt I still had. Over the next few weeks I had really given to God all the guilt I had and our relationship became stronger than ever.
Then out of nowhere I was asked to go back to TMI for a second year. I eagerly agreed and was ready to go in two days. The trip was even more amazing than the year before. I realized the gift God had given me to lead worship and realized I was good at it. I began to think of this as a future career but still wasn't sure.
Life took a very confusing turn during the summer. My Mom started dating again which for me wasn't as hard as the first time she started. But at this time instead of me wanting to get closer to my Mom I pulled away and pretty much learned to live without a Mom or Dad. I had my grandmother who had taken care of me for almost my whole life and she was all I needed. Her and God.
So my family was pretty messed up but I still seemed to be on the right track. I had joined marching band at school and every friday night we had football games which were fun. I finally had something to do which kept me busy all the time which was good. Also Pendel was having a busy year too so everything was pretty exciting.
Then about a month ago another devasting event occured in my life. My mom tried committing suicide. It was pretty devastating. I had already been struggling with not feeling good enough and then it was like the Devil was once again reminding me that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't even good enough to keep my own Mother alive. It hurt. But God helped me see the whole truth of the situation and just see it was the Devil's way of trying to bring me down.
It was a very delicate point in my life. But God decided to bring me a really good friend and use the friends and family I already had to get me through. Well I must say everything with the situation is not settled yet, but i'm dealing with it just fine.
I guess the main idea of this post shouldn't be personal happiness or how to find it. But it's to know that with God you can always be happy! I know that more than ever. And I know now that I don't necessarily have to sit down with someone and tell them my whole testimony but for just someone to see the smile on my face can be a personal witness. God uses everyone in a different way and I encourage you to find that.
God Bless!
Kathryn
Before the last few weeks I hadn't felt personal happiness in a long time. I had gone through a long series of tragedies. It first started when my grandfather died. I didn't want to continue what I started with the army. With music and such else. I felt like I couldn't go on. And I had just began a strong relationship with God at the time so, I thought this was his way of saying he didn't even want me to begin a relationship with him. It hurt alot. But not long after that a woman at my corps talked me into going to prep band and keeping up with what I had started. I ended up going to Jr. Conservatory where I learned so much. And alot of people learned alot about me. It was there where I finally came to like a truce with God and reconciled. It wasn't til about a year later when I went to Mid-winter Musicamp when I really devoted my life to Christ. I remember just kneeling on the ground and God saying to me that it was time to come to Him.
For awhile I thought I had real happiness, I thought I had found the boy I was going to marry. I filled my life with alot of drama, and was worried about what was going on with everyone else and once again lost God's guidance in my life. Fortunately I never made any real bad decisions. But other than that life seemed pretty good. Then two years ago when I was first asked to go to TMI I didn't know what a life changing experience it would bring. My first year at Territorial Music Institute was pretty amazing. I learned what it meant to really depend on God alone. There were times where I felt so alone and did nothing but cry and cry. Eventually it got alot better and my relationship with God was renewed and stronger than ever. The trip turned out to be one of the best I've ever had. On the way home in the Cincinnati airport I was informed I was accepted to the Pendel Brass. A band I've wanted to be in since I was a little girl. It was definitely a dream come true. I thought I had really found true happiness.
About six or seven months after all that a devastating event took place in my life. My Dad had suddenly died of a heart attack. To be truthful I hadn't talked to my Dad in almost five months because of everything that had been going on. The guilt I felt after he died was unbearable. I didn't know what to do. I knew I couldn't blame anyone else for this except myself. But I still tried blaming God. I became very angry with him, in fact I hated him. I made very stupid decisions that I will regret for a long time. But even after I had reconciled with God I still felt the heaviest load of guilt anyone will ever feel. I had tried countless times to give the guilt to God and move on. But it never seemed to work.
Summer had rolled along and I believed I had dropped all the guilt, when in fact I had just hid it in my heart. Conservatory started and it was the first sunday there when our leaders gave us a paper and told us to write down what we thought was keeping us from having the perfect relationship with God. I then realized how much guilt I still had. Over the next few weeks I had really given to God all the guilt I had and our relationship became stronger than ever.
Then out of nowhere I was asked to go back to TMI for a second year. I eagerly agreed and was ready to go in two days. The trip was even more amazing than the year before. I realized the gift God had given me to lead worship and realized I was good at it. I began to think of this as a future career but still wasn't sure.
Life took a very confusing turn during the summer. My Mom started dating again which for me wasn't as hard as the first time she started. But at this time instead of me wanting to get closer to my Mom I pulled away and pretty much learned to live without a Mom or Dad. I had my grandmother who had taken care of me for almost my whole life and she was all I needed. Her and God.
So my family was pretty messed up but I still seemed to be on the right track. I had joined marching band at school and every friday night we had football games which were fun. I finally had something to do which kept me busy all the time which was good. Also Pendel was having a busy year too so everything was pretty exciting.
Then about a month ago another devasting event occured in my life. My mom tried committing suicide. It was pretty devastating. I had already been struggling with not feeling good enough and then it was like the Devil was once again reminding me that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't even good enough to keep my own Mother alive. It hurt. But God helped me see the whole truth of the situation and just see it was the Devil's way of trying to bring me down.
It was a very delicate point in my life. But God decided to bring me a really good friend and use the friends and family I already had to get me through. Well I must say everything with the situation is not settled yet, but i'm dealing with it just fine.
I guess the main idea of this post shouldn't be personal happiness or how to find it. But it's to know that with God you can always be happy! I know that more than ever. And I know now that I don't necessarily have to sit down with someone and tell them my whole testimony but for just someone to see the smile on my face can be a personal witness. God uses everyone in a different way and I encourage you to find that.
God Bless!
Kathryn
posted by Kat at
8:30 PM
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